Sometimes when one is unhappy, it is because there are certain things that you have to make peace with.
I know that most of my unhappiness stems from this. And it’s not even that I am unhappy in general, quite the opposite really. More often than not my sunny disposition is very genuine. I know there are some things that I have to make peace with. Like the fact that the world is a truly terrible place but that doesn’t mean that we stop caring for it. Or that sometimes, friendships end. Or that I am alone, and that’s okay.
Before my thoughts are trivialized into making this all about having a boyfriend, let me preface this by saying that it really isn’t. It’s about addressing this nagging loneliness that has followed me around for all my life, and how I am no longer okay with it. My loneliness used to be a friend, a familiar thing that I was just so used to having around that I would feel ill at ease when I couldn’t grasp at it. I was lonely as a child even though the stories were always that I always had new friends within five minutes of being anywhere. I was lonely when I was in a serious relationship. I was lonely when I was in a non-relationship. I am lonely now even when I am confronting my loneliness and trying to address it with whatever solution I can find.
I’ve been learning a lot about making real connections. Something not a lot of people know about me is that I am great at small talk, mostly because it’s the only level of familiarity that I am comfortable with having with strangers. Small talk is great - you both get to show mild interest in each other without actually having to share anything real. It’s a win-win situation if you ask me.
The problem with being so good at small talk is realizing that I don’t really know how to make a real connection when I actually really want to. I don’t mean to keep everyone at arm’s length, I just don’t know how to proceed from here.
So what do I do?